Hamster Wheel

Here is to all the mammas drowning in a sea of sadness, playing the part, taking care of everything — and desperately trying to keep it together.

All while being weighed down by the heaviness of emotions that keep piling on, simmering silently with resentment and disappointment…what happened to the fucking Cinderella happily ever after story? 

Reeling with immense guilt for harboring an ounce of, ‘Ooh, I don’t love my life so much today,’ God forbid we feel anything but sheer appreciation for the many blessings in our lives.

So you scrape off all feelings of unhappiness that ooze out; after all, it’s not lost on you; you are fortunate, and your life could be so much worse…so why do you feel like screaming, WTF?

I See You, Girl

Trying to be everything to everyone, putting everyone else’s needs first, checking all the boxes, and running around like a headless chicken. And when you think you have dotted all the i’s and crossed all the t’s, the universe decides, not so fast, little chickadee, life knocks you on your ass. 

Yet, you keep going because that’s what mammas do: hang on by a thread, say yes, and add to your very long to-do list; if not you, who else will do it?

Periods in between, you wonder, Who is looking out for me? Who is taking care of my needs? Is this it? Carpools and Dances? Cooking and Cleaning?

You toss and turn all night, worried sick, while your plus one snores away. You elbow him, he mumbles, and you slip into the familiar, inward, with your thoughts. And add to the running tally, reason twenty-fifth to be annoyed, ‘How can he sleep so peacefully with everything going on?

A conversation in your head ensues that sounds like an opening statement for a jury trial, ‘Your Honor, members of the jury, this case is about being wronged; I will clearly show how the defendant failed me; allow me to list all my ‘shoulds’ (he should be sticking up for me, he should know better, he should tell his family to kiss off, he should be more attentive, …” You doze off, a short break from the chatter in your head, and awaken at the crack of dawn to accommodate your kid’s ridiculous early morning schedule. 

You carry on, smile and wave, say nothing. The pressure builds, irritability sets in, and you start one word in your responses. Passive-aggressive is your new language.

And Then It Happens

You explode, ENOUGH. You slam the dishes and declare, I AM DONE. I quit and unload the months/years of crap you have been brewing, hurl it at their face and storm out.

You get in your car, and all you want is to have good is cry, but you can’t. Emotionally depleted, not even a sad song does the trick.

When your day is night alone (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go (hold on)
If you think you've had too much
Of this life, well hang on
'Cause everybody hurts

Well, everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody cries
Everybody hurts, sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes
So hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts...
R.E.M.

Lifeless, you make your way to Target, a temporary refuge; plus, you are out of toilet bowl cleaner…so there is that.

You pass the toy aisle, and it hits you, the terrible feeling, guilt, shame, ‘I am a terrible momma, get it together, girl.’

You go home and hop back on the hamster wheel. Grab the laundry to carry upstairs, step over the shoes on the stairs –that have been there for three days, backtrack, grab the shoes, and throw them in the basket; dang it, how many times do I have to tell them to pick up their shit? And just like that, a new list of resentments takes root.

Alrighty, girl, have you had enough? Do you see the pattern? How is the hamster wheel working out for you? 

Yeah, I thought so. Perhaps it is time to try a different approach. 

May I speak freely? Since you are still reading, I will take that as a YAZZUR! Okay, squash the drama, mama; here’s the thing: you complicate your life and underestimate your power. 

Consider this an eviction notice; stop allowing resentment to live rent-free in your heart. Seriously, it is destroying your happiness. 

#Truth

Call BS on yourself. Here are a few Big Tells that you are playing the resentment game

BS #1 The Blame Game

Who are you blaming for your demise? Your spouse, sibling, parent, colleague, or boss? Hear my words; the only person to blame is you. You have fostered the behavior by teaching others how to treat you. Here’s the good news: it is never too late to adjust. If you want to change the rules of engagement (expectations, roles, etc.), you will have to speak up. 

BS #2 I am the only one

Yeah, I hate to break it to you, but not so much. You are incredibly talented, but you are not the only one who can put away the laundry, plan the party, organize the family vacation, pack the kid’s lunch, take your kids to the doctor, etc. Get over yourself; you are not special. Ask for help—it will blow your mind!

BS #3 You are fluent in ‘should-ings’ 

If you find yourself giving backhanded compliments or speaking about what others ‘should be doing,’ especially those not in the room, yeah, that’s fighting dirty, girl. You can do better. Eliminate should from your vocabulary.

No Worries…I Gotcha!

Don’t fret; here’s how to kick resentment to the curb.

First, say goodbye to the hero role. You know, the go-to, the yes person, blah, blah, is overrated and exhausting. Heroes secretly seek validation and rarely get it, so stop trying to appease everyone; it’s not your job to make everyone happy—you are not tequila!

Also, learn to say NO without explanation. One of my friends reminded me that NO is a complete sentence. Practice this often: NO.

Finally, stop boiling your feelings down. You can’t toss all your emotions in a pot, stick a lid, turn the temperature on high, and be surprised when you burn the crap out of it. This (your) approach serves no one —especially you; this is a big fuck you to your needs and wants. Spot treat your emotions as they surface by using your words—

I need help; I don’t want to do that. I completely disagree with your decision, but I understand it is none of my business. Please don’t put your wants on my wants list. I am not a pawn in your game. Stop recruiting me to say the things that you can’t. Stop telling me what I ‘should’ do. I am not a cruise director. I am not your cleaning lady. Let me teach you how to prepare your meals. No.

The knockout Punch

Your actions cause the hamster wheel to stay in motion (in other words, you are in control). It’s okay to evolve, shake things up, and want more. Play fair, communicate, and make adjustments (set boundaries) to protect your beautiful spirit. But always allow your peeps to step up; most will surprise you and want you to be happy and fulfilled.

And then it happens, you discover joy.   

Xo-Mic