Do you paddle board? I do. It’s one of the few water activities I enjoy. Water and I don’t typically get along. I swear I drowned in a previous life, so I am constantly overcoming an innate fear in large bodies of water. But boarding, well, once you understand the elementary rules, leash up, find your balance, and eyes on the horizon, it is easy sailing (barring any unexpected winds). It may also have everything to do with the fact that I can sit my butt down and get lost in my thoughts at a moment’s notice.

It was a glorious day. Not a cloud in the sky, low 80’s, no humidity, slight breeze. It’s the type of weather that keeps Florida residents on the hook and the reason they put up with hotter than hot days in the summer months. The locals know that there are more ‘perfect days’ than ‘unbearable days’ in Florida, setting up residency is a no-brainer. This was one of those perfect days, with the sun reflecting naturally off the calm lake water. All the girls gathered after a day of tennis, sipping on mojitos, and taking turns on the paddle boards. One of my teammates struggled with the board (her first time), and I took it upon myself to acquaint her with the basics do’s and don’ts. She quickly gained confidence. First, she discovered comfort on her knees, then she slowly rose to her feet. I observed her stance was off-center. I encouraged her to relax as she wobbled to stabilize the board. Without giving my words much thought, I yelled, ‘align your vagina with the handle on the board; it’s all about vagina alignment.’ She laughed and inched her way back to the center and stopped when her vagina was directly above the handlebar. Sure, enough she discovered the equilibrium needed to be successful.

This was the birth of my ‘vagina alignment’ phrase. I use it frequently to reference a balanced life or rather when I find myself or observe others out of sorts. I’ll say or think, ‘she needs to align her vagina, or my vagina is off-center, her vajayjay is lost.’ I think most of us can relate; I know I can; the feeling of being off-center as I try to balance all life throws my way, the struggle is real. 

You know what happens when you stand too forward or too backward on a paddle board? It is much harder to control, and heavily leaning one way or the other can cause you to fall.  Paddle boarding resembles our daily dosage, and finding balance is the key to a healthy lifestyle. But just like on a board, it is easy to unsteady. I have stood too forward in life. Meaning I have leaned forward so much that I have crashed. I have done this by simply giving too much of myself. I have this protect mode, and when it’s on, I take on an unattainable rescuer role. It turns out I am a spoonie… who knew?

Pause: Spoon Theory

The theory originated with Christine Miserandino. She used it to illustrate that we all have spoons (mental and physical energy). Some have more spoons than others, and throughout the day, we use up our spoons. For some with chronic pain, for example, spoons get depleted quickly in a day. A healthy (balanced) person never has to worry about using up all their spoons. This metaphor can be applied in many areas and is often used as a reference for declaring boundaries, AKA I don’t have anything left to give. I first heard of this was when one of my besties called me out, ‘you know, she said, after seeing me drained, your problem is that you are a spoonie, you give away all your spoons. AND she added, worse yet, you don’t accept any spoons yourself. You need to be more selfish with your spoons, and you need to learn to accept a spoon or two.’

Let it sink in, let it burn; she is right. I am lopsided. My vajayjay is lost. I always listen, give advice, fix, curate, yet I rarely allow myself the permission to receive. WHY? To break this cycle, ToGETher (MY) Joy…I need to dig: 

Reflect:

• Why do I feed the need to be helpful?
• Why am I constantly peeling the layers, asking the questions?
• What am I afraid of?
• Why do I have to go the extra mile?
• Why am I always taking care of others?
• Why do I always compromise to make others happy?
• Why am I so accommodating? 
• Why do I keep people at arm’s reach? 
• Why do I have sharp edges?
• Why do I have to be so independent? 
• Why am I constantly bailing people out?
• Why do I have such a hard time accepting help?

Asked… now answer.

My need to accommodate = easy going = to be liked = to be included = to be part of something = false sense of value and belonging=to be needed/wanted/seen

My inability to receive= hard edge=control relationships= to not feel obligated to anyone = keep people at arm’s reach = you can’t hurt me if I don’t get emotionally attached = vulnerable =protect myself= trust issues =afraid to be abandoned. 

My need to protect= take care of others = caregiver issues = protect my siblings =unstable home.

When did I first feel the need to protect, feel unwanted, unseen, and abandoned? Childhood…ah boom, Drop the MIC! Got it. I let this sink in and then release it. I jump off my board, submerge in the water and crawl back onto my board, renewed and refreshed. I am not a child anymore. Forgive, forgive, forgive…my parents, everyone, everything…let it go. But mostly forgive me. (Side note, if you are reading this, whatever shit you are carrying, parenting struggles, the affair, the lies, the empty promises, the broken relationships, childhood trauma, release it, submerge and emerge) And for full disclosure, I suppose part of me fell victim of FOMO (fear of missing out) but not in the way it’s typically used (i.e., parties and trips), more like fear of not being needed hence why I leaned forward so strongly.

Remember this work

~Jessica King

Redirect

To overcorrect my forward lean, I took many steps backward and stood away in the back; but this also felt out of sync. This equated to me watching from the sidelines, like staring at a microwave when heating food, slow and painful. Cruise control does not look good on me either; this mode is programmed and automated. Standing in the back (paddleboard/life) can also lead to the board capsizing. No Bueno, Amigas. More questions/observations:

• Detaching is not the answer 
• To live in my own bubble is boring and lonely
• I do care, I do want to give of myself, and I still want to be helpful and vested
• Sitting back feels disjointed

Redirect: Take Two (Progress Not Perfection)

So, I don’t have to ‘save’ or chase anyone, but I want to connect and be present with my peeps. And therein lies the sweet spot, the vagina alignment—fluidity, calmness, flow, gratitude, satisfaction, synchronized, balanced…harmony.

Y’all know how much I love the Peloton. They now have an option to stack classes. This feature allows users to build a playlist of classes to take back-to-back. In essence, it affords us the ability to create the perfect workout—thirty-minute HITT, five-minute cooldown, thirty-minute weights, etc. You get the idea. I started applying this concept of stacking to my spoons. The first spoons from my stack I allocate to my F’s (family, fuel, faith, fun & finance). The remainder spoons I give out freely. I have discovered that the more I take care of myself, the better I am, and I arise with a drawer full of extra spoons that I can give to others. I have also discovered and have fallen in love with JOMO (joy of missing out). Knowing when to say no, when to pass and when to detach are equally important.

Why do I share? Because I practice what I preach. Because to break cycles, we need to understand where we came from and what we have been through. It took me a long time to get to this place and reconcile my truths. The process of becoming me is, well, it’s a process. I am a work in progress. I have learned to stop resisting and let my vajayjay guide me. I am sharing a poem by Portia Nelson that resonates with me. It is a simple but valuable life lesson that we sometimes just need to walk down another street; it’s the only way to break a pattern and free ourselves. 

Trust your V,

There is a Hole in my Sidewalk

-Portia Nelson

 Chapter 1
 I walk down the street.
 There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 I fall in.
 I am lost… I am helpless.
 It isn’t my fault.
 It takes forever to find a way out.
 Chapter 2.
 I walk down the same street.
 There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 I pretend I don’t see it.
 I fall in again.
 I can’t believe I am in the same place.
 But, it isn’t my fault.
 It still takes me a long time to get out.
 Chapter 3
 I walk down the same street.
 There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 I see it is there.
 I still fall in. It’s a habit.
 My eyes are open.
 I know where I am.
 It is my fault. I get out immediately.
 Chapter 4
 I walk down the same street.
 There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 I walk around it.
 Chapter 5
 I walk down another street.