What’s In A Name?

This week’s post comes from an anonymous author- brace yourself for a genuine, honest, and raw voice. Anonymity is essential; her story is personal- I grasp this, and you will too.

It is hard for me not to use a name; personally, I think she’s a rock star. If it were up to me, I’d give her a massive arena with an elevated stage, hand her the microphone and shine the spotlight. It would require all this to fully illuminate her strength and devotion. Protecting her privacy is non-negotiable. Nevertheless, I am inclined to pay tribute to this incredible person and the many who suffer in silence. A modest gesture to say, I see you, and I honor you. With that in mind, I chose to bestow her a stage name, Sage Everett. The name symbolizes strength, bravery, wisdom, and healing. I know Sage personifies all these qualities and so many more.

If you don’t see that your story matters, chances are no one else will either. So even though it isn’t always easy, it’s important for you to find the strength to share your truths. Because the world needs to hear it. ~ Michelle Obama

Indeed, the world needs to hear our stories. This is undoubtedly the case with Sage. I set forth this ToGETher Joy journey to offer a landing spot for transformation, a place to soar by lifting others. A place to reimagine the possibilities. Sage’s words deliver on this belief, and I am incredibly grateful to her for sharing her courageous story. She is not ready to put a face to her reality, but she is prepared to put words into her journey. Her story is worthy of hearing; it is worthy of compassion and most definitely worthy of pausing, reflecting, and redirecting how we respond to these truths.  

The MOMENT- this can’t be- Sage Everett

That year, that month, that day, that hour… the MOMENT. Can we ever really remember the exact MOMENT that everything changes? For me, the answer is NO. But I know that whenever that exact MOMENT was for my husband, it was far before I realized it was happening.

I know this is not a newsflash – but Mental Illness (MI) is NO joke. MI turned our lives upside down in what seemed like a horrible MOMENT. What I know now is that MOMENT – was a series of moments, over the course of a lifetime, all boiling over. It’s like a pressure cooker, a volcano, a hurricane that wreaks havoc and destruction in its path. It’s F—ing crazy and scary as Hell to watch happen!   

My story is like so many others. Happily married, kids, financially stable – yada yada yada. Did we have obstacles? Yes – everyone does. But for all practical purposes, we were living the life until all those little moments created the big MOMENT… that turned everything upside down. Here’s the problem when this happens, MI is a taboo illness. It’s something you are ashamed of – hide. When you need others the most in your life, you are isolated – on an island! It would be fine if it were a remote, serene island, but nope! … it’s a solo, destructive island… otherwise known as Hell.  

We often hear the story from the one who suffers – but what about those suffering on the fringes, the support system. Here is what it looks and feels like from my perspective living alongside a spouse who suffers from MI… 

The MIDDLE -the work; exhausting, but necessary

Every day you wake up wondering what the day will bring. Will today be like most days – carefree – or will today be the day MI creeps in and starts to take over? Will today be the day my mind starts to race, my heart starts to beat a bit faster, and ache for the person I love most in this world? When those days come, it’s all-consuming. I immediately go from wife to caretaker, not a role I want to play for my husband and not a role he wants me to take on. In his eyes, he is the strong one, the keeper of our family. And most of the time, this is true. However, roles reverse, and it’s on me now. What’s crazy is after years of dealing with MI, this role reversal comes naturally now… seamless. Now instead of “good morning, what’s your day look like today, who has practice, what’s for dinner, etc.?” Our conversation switches to “How are you feeling, did you sleep well, don’t forget to take your meds, don’t say anything to anyone without clearing it with me first, think positive, are you sure you are ok (x20), be honest with me…” I put up encouraging quotes in his office, text positive affirmations, schedule Dr. appointments, call him hourly, and basically worry non-stop about what he will do or say to sabotage himself and our family all while carrying a full-time job. I read books on what he suffers from, google everything, journal, keep anecdotal notes to share with doctors, and babysit him for all practical purposes. For him, MI is exhausting and scary. And for me – it’s exhausting and scary! Same coin – 2 sides – both experiencing the same thing differently and both struggling immensely.  

We knew how to live without MI; we did it for 10 of our 20 years of marriage. (and 6 years before that while dating) MI struck later in my husband’s life, late 30’s – runs in his family. We thought we had evaded it – but the hurricane swooped in and started swirling, and there was no stopping it. I spent the first couple of years battling him, telling him he was crazy and that everything he was thinking and doing was irrational. I begged him to work out, read, see a therapist and educate himself on his illness (everything that I was trying to do for him). Every day I would listen to him tell me things that made absolutely no sense, all his paranoid thoughts – his reading into every single email, phone conversation, encounter. Try telling someone everything they think and believe is wrong, that it’s nonsense… CRAZY! I had to do that daily for weeks, months until he’d come out of the cycle. It’s exhausting and SAD! I had to play the bad guy, the person who basically told him he was delusional.

There were many days when I seriously thought I could not live like this anymore. I simply had no more energy, no more patience for the chaos MI was putting on our family. I’d utter things like, ‘If you don’t take your meds, I’m out of here”, “If you don’t take steps to help yourself, how can you expect me to help you?”, “This is F—ing crazy, and so are you.” Imagine how this affected our relationship. Yup, not for the positive – he didn’t trust me for a while, or like me – but oh well…I took the vow for better or worse, and worse decided to rear its ugly head – and I’m not one to go back on a vow, ever!  

Thankfully when MI struck, our kids were little, so I could shield them and him from the reality of what was happening. That’s another burden to bear. I’m shielding the kids, protecting him, and trying like Hell to protect myself. Because of the stigma, we only told close family and his doctors. I was still ignorant and worried too much about the MI stigma. And, let’s be honest, this was not my MI to share. That’s the real SHIT behind MI… it’s so isolating, and it doesn’t need to be. Why can’t we treat it like Cancer, Diabetes, or any other illness? We provide empathy, support, and care to those illnesses? It’s mind-boggling to me how our society can be so cruel and blind to the fact that MI is just like any other disease, yet we still turn a blind-eye and label the afflicted as CRAZY! (I was guilty of calling my husband crazy many times… I no longer do that… it’s cruel) 

Here’s the thing… I’ve grown so much through this… we both have! When I thought this would tear us apart, in time, it brought us closer together. I love him more now than I ever have. He has had to fight through things I can’t even imagine fighting through. He’s a more empathic, kind, caring, and loving person – and so am I. I used to get mad, argue, and lose my mind when he started spiraling; I now listen, empathize, and tell him everything will be ok, in time… because it will! My reactions and change in mindset – have made a HUGE difference. If you are reading this and it’s hitting home for you…my most significant piece of advice is this; how you react, and your actions will either make or break you (and/or him). You must take care of yourself before you can help others. So, create the support system you need; yes, YOU need it! I’m giving you permission to tell someone you love and trust – they will be able to help and support YOU! If you don’t, you will eventually break. I could not afford to break; who would have been there for my kids? My husband? It’s a lot to bear – but YOU are strong, and YOU can do anything… WE can do anything together!  

The EYE-where you can dance, take a breath & even laugh

MI has not gone away for my family… it’s still here, always trying to rear its ugliness any chance it gets. We still see it, but now we embrace it and don’t back down! Do I still cry, f—ing lose my mind, reach out for help, say “why us?”…YES. But, after I fall, I put my big girl panties on and do the work… the work to get through, grow and try to thrive! We have educated ourselves – we now listen to self-help books, meditate, and sometimes do yoga together. I/we know what to do to minimize its occurrences and potency. He and I both have a more extensive support system to help us manage and survive MI. He has found the courage to admit he battles MI (it took about 5 years for him to own it) and to reach out to a few close and loyal friends to help him navigate through it. These two steps were game-changers. I’m here to tell you if you can get to this point, you are winning! We joke at times about things that have happened or are currently happening… the true ridiculousness of it all. We know it’s not funny, but my oh my, it feels good to laugh and not cry! When you get to this point, you know you are beating MI… it’s what I call being in the EYE of the cycle. When you can find the calm, the EYE, and work from that perspective – you got MI by the balls!!!  

Resources

• The Enemy in Me:  Jacob Newall Campbell
• An Unquiet Mind, a memoir of moods and madness:   Kay Redfield Jamison
• Balancing the Beast:  Helena Smole
• When Someone You Love Has a Mental Illness:  A Handbook for Family, Friends and Caregivers:  Rebecca Woolis, MFT
• Atomic Habits:  James Clear
• Daring Greatly:  Brene Brown
• Rising Strong:  Brene Brown
• The 6-Minute Diary
• Maybe You Should Talk to Someone:  Lori Gottlieb
• THERAPY!!!  My dear friend insisted, I pushed back – but finally caved! 
• Your TRIBE… the people who you trust, love and will unconditionally support you!